I am in my fifties yet I feel younger at heart. I am not ready to be on the other side - I am not ready to be old.
I am not afraid of getting older (in age) but I am afraid of getting old (in mind and spirit). I am afraid of not being able to live. I know, and accept, that there will be things that I may not be able to do as quickly or frequently; and I know, and accept, that there probably will be things that I will not be able to do at all but what I am most afraid of is losing my independence and losing control of my daily life.
I have a lot to be grateful for; and I am. I was fortunate enough to be able to retire when I was 51. If circumstances leading up to that time and circumstances at work had been different I may have decided to continuing working for awhile longer but as it turns out it was a good thing I retired when I did.
On the bad side: My husband became very ill and nearly died. He had to retire and is on permanent disability.
On the good side: I have two beautiful grandsons (Kingston is 17 months and Trace is nearly 7 months) with whom I am able to spend time with nearly every day.
So what was on the other side of retirement has had its good side and bad side.
What I hate about the bad side is that I am not able to enjoy this time in our lives as much with my husband as he is not able to do nearly what he was. I hate it for him, for me and for us.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
NO REGRETS
Since we really do not know what is on the other side, I do try to live my life with no (or few) regrets.
I believe there is a difference in wishing you had done something differently than having regrets. I do not know anyone who does not wish they had done something differently at one point (probably many more than just one point). But there are several who believe they have no or few regrets.
To me wishing you had done something differently is not as strong an emotion or feeling that having a regret. I believe a regret is a stronger emotional with much more sadness.
Example - I wish that I had not had to move my parents into an assisting living when their lives changes and they became less independent and we were not able to feel they were safe living alone. I wish things could have been different. I wish that........ But when all is said and done, I do not regret it. We could not bare the pain of something happening to them at their house and one or the other being helpless in not being able to help the other. We could not bare the possibility of a horrible accident occurring that would have resulted in severe injuries or death. Although I wish that I might have been able to have them move in with us, it was not feasible under the circumstances (our house is not easy to move around, etc.). The best decision was what was made therefore no regrets.
Something awful might not have ever happened while they were living at home but who knew. We did not know what the future held. We did not know what was on the other side of "today".
Suggestion - try to live your live with no (or few) regrets it is so much easier.
I believe there is a difference in wishing you had done something differently than having regrets. I do not know anyone who does not wish they had done something differently at one point (probably many more than just one point). But there are several who believe they have no or few regrets.
To me wishing you had done something differently is not as strong an emotion or feeling that having a regret. I believe a regret is a stronger emotional with much more sadness.
Example - I wish that I had not had to move my parents into an assisting living when their lives changes and they became less independent and we were not able to feel they were safe living alone. I wish things could have been different. I wish that........ But when all is said and done, I do not regret it. We could not bare the pain of something happening to them at their house and one or the other being helpless in not being able to help the other. We could not bare the possibility of a horrible accident occurring that would have resulted in severe injuries or death. Although I wish that I might have been able to have them move in with us, it was not feasible under the circumstances (our house is not easy to move around, etc.). The best decision was what was made therefore no regrets.
Something awful might not have ever happened while they were living at home but who knew. We did not know what the future held. We did not know what was on the other side of "today".
Suggestion - try to live your live with no (or few) regrets it is so much easier.
Be Careful What You Wish For
We all do it. We say things like: "I wish I had (or had not) ever ........." "If I had known then what I know now I would (or would not) have....." Sometimes we simply say " I wish........"
We do need to be careful not only what we wish for but HOW we wish for it. There is a movie, I think it is called THE WISHING WELL, that is on Lifetime (yes, I am a Lifetime movie addict) that is based on wishes and how wishes are made. A wish will come true IF, and ONLY IF, it is the RIGHT wish. This is an interesting concept. And you HAVE to BELIEVE in the magic of THE WISHING WELL. If only it were that easy but again you need to be careful what you wish for and how.
You may wish that someone leaves you alone because they are so annoying. So you might say something like "I wish NAME HERE would leave me alone." and you might even add "forever" at the end. But the result could possibly happen to a point of no return. That annoying person MAY just simply leave you alone or that person MAY disappear FOREVER. Is that really what you wanted? Probably not - you are not a mean person. You simply wanted a break from that person for awhile. If you had chosen your words more carefully and said something like "I wish that NAME HERE would leave me alone for a little while."
I, like everyone, have wishes. But I try to be careful when and how I wish. I try to word my wishes carefully and I try not to wish often. On this note, my wishes are not always for me.
Anyway, I do try to be careful what I wish for.......
We do need to be careful not only what we wish for but HOW we wish for it. There is a movie, I think it is called THE WISHING WELL, that is on Lifetime (yes, I am a Lifetime movie addict) that is based on wishes and how wishes are made. A wish will come true IF, and ONLY IF, it is the RIGHT wish. This is an interesting concept. And you HAVE to BELIEVE in the magic of THE WISHING WELL. If only it were that easy but again you need to be careful what you wish for and how.
You may wish that someone leaves you alone because they are so annoying. So you might say something like "I wish NAME HERE would leave me alone." and you might even add "forever" at the end. But the result could possibly happen to a point of no return. That annoying person MAY just simply leave you alone or that person MAY disappear FOREVER. Is that really what you wanted? Probably not - you are not a mean person. You simply wanted a break from that person for awhile. If you had chosen your words more carefully and said something like "I wish that NAME HERE would leave me alone for a little while."
I, like everyone, have wishes. But I try to be careful when and how I wish. I try to word my wishes carefully and I try not to wish often. On this note, my wishes are not always for me.
Anyway, I do try to be careful what I wish for.......
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Who I AM?
I do not know WHO I AM? I was someone's daughter (my parents passed away in 2005 and 2006 - now I am an adult orphan) and sister (still in contact with one of my two brothers). In 1972, I became an aunt for the first time but unfortunately we have almost always lived so far away.
I do not consider myself ever having been single. I met my husband right after I graduated from high school then we were married less than two years later. I never lived alone. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband (after we got married).
I worked from the time I was 16 until I retired at the age of 51. So for many years, I was someone's employee. I served a purpose. I worked very hard and had a lot of people depending on me and my experience.
I got married in 1975 so I became a wife. I was married and very happy! At that time I was happy being a wife. I wish I could have been a housewife but I had to work. It was sometimes difficult being an employee and a wife but we made it work. I guess I knew WHO I WAS?
In 1985, I became a mother. This became one of the happiest days of my life. My son was so important to me. He depended on me (and his daddy, of course). I loved (and love) being a mom. Unfortunately, I had to work so I had to try to juggle being a working wife and mother. Not always an easy task, but one I believed I was up for and believe I did quite well.
Around the year 2000, I became more involved in my parents' well being. They both developed health issues. Dad had already had a stroke years before. In December of 2000, Mom fractured her leg and was in a wheelchair for months. Since she had been caring for my dad, they both needed help - me.
In 2001, my life took on a new meaning. I really began to be a caregiver for my parents. Mom had a stroke and although made a recovery they still needed me.
As the years went by, my parents health went down hill. It was very difficult to watch my parents decline. It was very difficult having to be their caregiver. There were many difficult decisions to make. So I found myself being: a loving and caring daughter and caregiver for my parents; a wife; a mother; and an employee. My life was so consumed with others...with helping others. I have no regrets! But WHO WAS I? There was not time to find out. I already had few friends and saw them even less.
My son got older and became less dependent on me - although he still needed me (and still does). After a tough couple of years, my parents passed away. My dad passed away somewhat unexpectedly (in the hospital) in November of 2005. Mom was despondent so she passed away in April of 2006. I knew Mom was not going to make it so I spent almost all of my time with her even up until she passed away (she basically closed her eyes and slipped away to be with my dad - her husband of more than 63 years).
Suddenly I was an adult orphan. I no longer had my parents. I no longer had them needing me. My life had a void. I had a severe emptiness. Even more so, I did not know WHO I WAS?
In 2006, I retired from my State job. I had put in my 30 years there. If things had been better at work, I might have stayed longer but after what I had been through and what was going on at work, it was time to retire. Now what WAS I GOING TO DO? WHO WAS I?
In 2008, life through me some curves. It was definitely a roller coaster year. In the beginning of 2008, my husband became very ill. He ended up in the hospital twice. The second time he was in the hospital for almost a month and nearly died (I was told to call Hospice). Wow! Here I was facing my husband being so sick and then told he was not going to make it. I was looking at being a widow. So the question was not only WHO WAS I but WHO WOULD I BE?
Fortunately a miracle happened and my husband pulled through. Unfortunately he had to retire and is now on permanent disability. Life is not the same.
Also in 2008, I became a grandmother to a wonderful baby boy. This was so exciting. I felt like I had a purpose again. A happy purpose. I spent many, many days being with my grandson. Despite other factors, I was happy being a grandmother.
In 2008, I became a grandmother again; another beautiful baby boy. I continue to be able to spend many days (weekdays mostly) with my grandsons. I love it.
My husband has okay days and then not good days. He is able to do for himself but not able to do many other things. He cannot enjoy life or do the many things he once could. So life is different for both of us.
I have spent most of my life being something to somebody or somebodies that I really do not know WHO I AM? It is not all bad, and I do not mean to complain. I just do not know WHO I AM? I am always doing something or being something for somebody. If I did not need to be needed I really would not what I would do; I would not know WHO I AM?
I do not have regrets and I would not change what is (unless it would be that people were happier and healthier). I just wish I knew WHO I AM?
I am so afraid for the future but also of the present. I am so dependent on others while also being independent. Or am I independent? I have to be strong, but am I as strong as I seem?
TO BE CONTINUED.......
I do not consider myself ever having been single. I met my husband right after I graduated from high school then we were married less than two years later. I never lived alone. I went from living with my parents to living with my husband (after we got married).
I worked from the time I was 16 until I retired at the age of 51. So for many years, I was someone's employee. I served a purpose. I worked very hard and had a lot of people depending on me and my experience.
I got married in 1975 so I became a wife. I was married and very happy! At that time I was happy being a wife. I wish I could have been a housewife but I had to work. It was sometimes difficult being an employee and a wife but we made it work. I guess I knew WHO I WAS?
In 1985, I became a mother. This became one of the happiest days of my life. My son was so important to me. He depended on me (and his daddy, of course). I loved (and love) being a mom. Unfortunately, I had to work so I had to try to juggle being a working wife and mother. Not always an easy task, but one I believed I was up for and believe I did quite well.
Around the year 2000, I became more involved in my parents' well being. They both developed health issues. Dad had already had a stroke years before. In December of 2000, Mom fractured her leg and was in a wheelchair for months. Since she had been caring for my dad, they both needed help - me.
In 2001, my life took on a new meaning. I really began to be a caregiver for my parents. Mom had a stroke and although made a recovery they still needed me.
As the years went by, my parents health went down hill. It was very difficult to watch my parents decline. It was very difficult having to be their caregiver. There were many difficult decisions to make. So I found myself being: a loving and caring daughter and caregiver for my parents; a wife; a mother; and an employee. My life was so consumed with others...with helping others. I have no regrets! But WHO WAS I? There was not time to find out. I already had few friends and saw them even less.
My son got older and became less dependent on me - although he still needed me (and still does). After a tough couple of years, my parents passed away. My dad passed away somewhat unexpectedly (in the hospital) in November of 2005. Mom was despondent so she passed away in April of 2006. I knew Mom was not going to make it so I spent almost all of my time with her even up until she passed away (she basically closed her eyes and slipped away to be with my dad - her husband of more than 63 years).
Suddenly I was an adult orphan. I no longer had my parents. I no longer had them needing me. My life had a void. I had a severe emptiness. Even more so, I did not know WHO I WAS?
In 2006, I retired from my State job. I had put in my 30 years there. If things had been better at work, I might have stayed longer but after what I had been through and what was going on at work, it was time to retire. Now what WAS I GOING TO DO? WHO WAS I?
In 2008, life through me some curves. It was definitely a roller coaster year. In the beginning of 2008, my husband became very ill. He ended up in the hospital twice. The second time he was in the hospital for almost a month and nearly died (I was told to call Hospice). Wow! Here I was facing my husband being so sick and then told he was not going to make it. I was looking at being a widow. So the question was not only WHO WAS I but WHO WOULD I BE?
Fortunately a miracle happened and my husband pulled through. Unfortunately he had to retire and is now on permanent disability. Life is not the same.
Also in 2008, I became a grandmother to a wonderful baby boy. This was so exciting. I felt like I had a purpose again. A happy purpose. I spent many, many days being with my grandson. Despite other factors, I was happy being a grandmother.
In 2008, I became a grandmother again; another beautiful baby boy. I continue to be able to spend many days (weekdays mostly) with my grandsons. I love it.
My husband has okay days and then not good days. He is able to do for himself but not able to do many other things. He cannot enjoy life or do the many things he once could. So life is different for both of us.
I have spent most of my life being something to somebody or somebodies that I really do not know WHO I AM? It is not all bad, and I do not mean to complain. I just do not know WHO I AM? I am always doing something or being something for somebody. If I did not need to be needed I really would not what I would do; I would not know WHO I AM?
I do not have regrets and I would not change what is (unless it would be that people were happier and healthier). I just wish I knew WHO I AM?
I am so afraid for the future but also of the present. I am so dependent on others while also being independent. Or am I independent? I have to be strong, but am I as strong as I seem?
TO BE CONTINUED.......
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Different Places
Life is full of challenges. Life is full of ups and downs. Life is not perfect or dull. I guess in some ways this is all good for it definitely makes life interesting and helps keep us on our toes.
There are times that WE as a couple, or WE as family, or WE as friends, or even WE as strangers are in a "different place". Knowing how to recognize, appreciate, support, etc. this is sometimes one of those life challenges.
There are times when some may like to or have to live in"spur of the moment" rather "planned" events while other we or they care about may like to or have to have those "planned" events rather leaving things to chance or "spur of the moment". These different places can cause some challenges or conflicts but the willingness to compromise or at least recognize the others situation makes these different places easier to visit (and deal with).
I am writing this to perhaps help others see that there are other sides but mostly to help myself with my own internal conflicts of wanting to be able to plan (so as to have something to look forward to for more time than a minute) and feeling that it is not always the best for me to plan then have to disappoint myself or others. I do like to plan and have something to look forward to but I also like the spur of the moment times (wellllll......only when they work out - dah).
This week I believe I will be encountering both "the spur of the moment" (today) and the "planned" (hopefully on Monday). Anyway, different places for different people.
There are times that WE as a couple, or WE as family, or WE as friends, or even WE as strangers are in a "different place". Knowing how to recognize, appreciate, support, etc. this is sometimes one of those life challenges.
There are times when some may like to or have to live in"spur of the moment" rather "planned" events while other we or they care about may like to or have to have those "planned" events rather leaving things to chance or "spur of the moment". These different places can cause some challenges or conflicts but the willingness to compromise or at least recognize the others situation makes these different places easier to visit (and deal with).
I am writing this to perhaps help others see that there are other sides but mostly to help myself with my own internal conflicts of wanting to be able to plan (so as to have something to look forward to for more time than a minute) and feeling that it is not always the best for me to plan then have to disappoint myself or others. I do like to plan and have something to look forward to but I also like the spur of the moment times (wellllll......only when they work out - dah).
This week I believe I will be encountering both "the spur of the moment" (today) and the "planned" (hopefully on Monday). Anyway, different places for different people.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
Not sure if this story really falls under the category of "what is really on the other side?" but in away it does.
Ed and I do not normally celebrate Valentine's Day as we do not feel we NEED to show or express or prove our love on a certain day. Yes, it can be a romantic day but it can also be a sad day - our way (although not for everyone and not necessarily the right or best way - but it is our way) works for us. We have no expectations therefore have no disappointments. No NEED to make this year better than last because more than likely one year will be about the same as another - and that is fine. BUT.......
Every now and then, one or both of us will surprise the other. (So, I guess this may be where "what is really on the other side?" comes in - the surprise element of will we celebrate or not.) We like it this way because the surprise element makes it more meaningful (for us) and more special.
Although it is very early, it has already been a nice day. Ed and I have special places in the house where we will leave notes, messages, card, and/gifts so that the other can find them the first thing in the morning. We never really know what might be on the other side those places.
Very early this morning, by the computer, I found a loving and romantic card, a box of chocolates (like I need them - wait....they are dark chocolate....that's good for you, right? Right. Yeah....I can have my chocolate and eat it too.), and two small bottles of Bailey's.
I have left the following for Ed: a loving and romantic card, dark chocolate bars (good for when his blood sugar is low) and a small bottle of Bailey's.
Yes, there is a common theme here. For about the last two weeks, we have been enjoying a late afternoon drink (of Bailey's) to help us wind the day down. It has been nice. Something special we do - enjoy a drink and talk about the day.
Love is in the air....Happy Valentine's Day.
Ed and I do not normally celebrate Valentine's Day as we do not feel we NEED to show or express or prove our love on a certain day. Yes, it can be a romantic day but it can also be a sad day - our way (although not for everyone and not necessarily the right or best way - but it is our way) works for us. We have no expectations therefore have no disappointments. No NEED to make this year better than last because more than likely one year will be about the same as another - and that is fine. BUT.......
Every now and then, one or both of us will surprise the other. (So, I guess this may be where "what is really on the other side?" comes in - the surprise element of will we celebrate or not.) We like it this way because the surprise element makes it more meaningful (for us) and more special.
Although it is very early, it has already been a nice day. Ed and I have special places in the house where we will leave notes, messages, card, and/gifts so that the other can find them the first thing in the morning. We never really know what might be on the other side those places.
Very early this morning, by the computer, I found a loving and romantic card, a box of chocolates (like I need them - wait....they are dark chocolate....that's good for you, right? Right. Yeah....I can have my chocolate and eat it too.), and two small bottles of Bailey's.
I have left the following for Ed: a loving and romantic card, dark chocolate bars (good for when his blood sugar is low) and a small bottle of Bailey's.
Yes, there is a common theme here. For about the last two weeks, we have been enjoying a late afternoon drink (of Bailey's) to help us wind the day down. It has been nice. Something special we do - enjoy a drink and talk about the day.
Love is in the air....Happy Valentine's Day.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Just when we thought.....
Just when we thought our children were not listening to us, they surprise us.
From the time our children (our precious babies) are born we are telling "to do" or "not to do" "this and that". We out and out TELL them. We make suggestions. We give them advice. We show them "how to" or "how not to" do something.
There are times when our children roll their eyes and make sarcastic remarks when we talk to them. "I know. I know. You do not need to keep telling me." We may think (remember - what we think may not really be) our children are not paying attention (did we really know what was on the other side of his growing brain?) but then later on in life they surprise us.
Our son keep surprising us. He really did learn from the lessons we thought. He really did hear us when we spoke to him. He really is a wonderful adult.
From the time our children (our precious babies) are born we are telling "to do" or "not to do" "this and that". We out and out TELL them. We make suggestions. We give them advice. We show them "how to" or "how not to" do something.
There are times when our children roll their eyes and make sarcastic remarks when we talk to them. "I know. I know. You do not need to keep telling me." We may think (remember - what we think may not really be) our children are not paying attention (did we really know what was on the other side of his growing brain?) but then later on in life they surprise us.
Our son keep surprising us. He really did learn from the lessons we thought. He really did hear us when we spoke to him. He really is a wonderful adult.
Seen but not heard.....?
There is an old saying that "children should be seen but not heard." Well, perhaps in some cases this is true but that also goes for some adults. Some adults while okay to be seen should probably not speak therefore not be heard.
Sometimes (some of) our youth are better heard than some adults. Sometimes we can learn from our youth. Like another saying "out of the mouths of babes."
Food for thought.
Sometimes (some of) our youth are better heard than some adults. Sometimes we can learn from our youth. Like another saying "out of the mouths of babes."
Food for thought.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Words
Words. Written.....read......spoken.....heard. Words can be multifaceted. A single word may have more than one meaning; for example the word L E A D. Just think about a series of words; just think how many meanings they might have.
The writer may have one idea in mind when writing and the reader may or may not read the words the same way as the writer intended. When speaking, words may be spoken with a certain meaning but heard differently. Words are complex. Sometimes we may not really know what was on the other side of the writer or speaker.
The writer may have one idea in mind when writing and the reader may or may not read the words the same way as the writer intended. When speaking, words may be spoken with a certain meaning but heard differently. Words are complex. Sometimes we may not really know what was on the other side of the writer or speaker.
Appearances are not everything
Appearances are not everything. I use the word "appearances" for a lack of a better word at the moment. Appearances do not always tell the true story. There may be times when you (or I or the person on the street) have control over your own personal appearance - the way you dress, the way your hair is combed (or styled if you can or are talented enough), etc. - but there are times you do not have control.
When you have control you have made your own choices to dress or be the way you want. You may or may not care what others think. You may or may not being trying to make a good impression. But you have the control and you have made your choices for better or worse.
When you do not have control very often it is because you do not have the resources - whether it be financial, opportunity, knowledge, or other.
We all, at one point or another, judge others. Sometimes we judge them to our own personal standards and sometimes to society's. We really should not be so quick to judge. First we need to look at ourselves (inside and out) then we need to think.
The same goes for other appearances. Neighbors can be very caring or very judgmental. One (or more) neighbor may have a perfect green and mowed lawn with a white picketed fence and freshly sided exterior while another may have gutters hanging (due to the weight of years of snow or heavy rains) and the lawn is brownish and not always mowed. But do we always know what is going on in the interior of those houses? No.
The neighbor with everything perfect may be a loving family who volunteers and goes on frequent family trips or may be the most dysfunctional family on the block. The neighbor with the hanging gutter may just be lazy and do not care about appearances or they may be going through some rough times - financially, healthwise or any combination.
Appearances are not everything.
When you have control you have made your own choices to dress or be the way you want. You may or may not care what others think. You may or may not being trying to make a good impression. But you have the control and you have made your choices for better or worse.
When you do not have control very often it is because you do not have the resources - whether it be financial, opportunity, knowledge, or other.
We all, at one point or another, judge others. Sometimes we judge them to our own personal standards and sometimes to society's. We really should not be so quick to judge. First we need to look at ourselves (inside and out) then we need to think.
The same goes for other appearances. Neighbors can be very caring or very judgmental. One (or more) neighbor may have a perfect green and mowed lawn with a white picketed fence and freshly sided exterior while another may have gutters hanging (due to the weight of years of snow or heavy rains) and the lawn is brownish and not always mowed. But do we always know what is going on in the interior of those houses? No.
The neighbor with everything perfect may be a loving family who volunteers and goes on frequent family trips or may be the most dysfunctional family on the block. The neighbor with the hanging gutter may just be lazy and do not care about appearances or they may be going through some rough times - financially, healthwise or any combination.
Appearances are not everything.
I had no idea
I read something earlier today that touched a spot in my heart. Someone I have know for many years apparently went through some rough times and needed help. Instead of being tossed aside help was received and appreciated beyond words.
Now some years later, this person has a chance to give back to the same people who had helped so many years earlier.
I had no idea what was going on. And although I do not know the details but that is okay. I know what is most important. Appreciation, caring, love and passion have guided this person to a new place in life.
God bless.
Now some years later, this person has a chance to give back to the same people who had helped so many years earlier.
I had no idea what was going on. And although I do not know the details but that is okay. I know what is most important. Appreciation, caring, love and passion have guided this person to a new place in life.
God bless.
We May Think.....
We may think we know what is really going on on the other side of.......
the room
the door
the phone
someone's house
someone's mind
a blog or posting................etc.
but do we REALLY know what is going on?
In many cases the answer is NO. In some cases the answer is YES. And still in others, the answer is MAYBE.
So what we may think may not be.
the room
the door
the phone
someone's house
someone's mind
a blog or posting................etc.
but do we REALLY know what is going on?
In many cases the answer is NO. In some cases the answer is YES. And still in others, the answer is MAYBE.
So what we may think may not be.
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